Transcript of
Suicide: Jude's story
I honestly felt that my life was pointless.
I'd convinced myself that it was.
Whether you call it depression, I don't know,
but I was without a doubt in my head that the only thing to do was die.
The day itself, when I threw myself from a cliff,
was the happiest day I'd had in years
because my stupid little life was about to end.
2003, I'd written four novels, four plays and 40-odd poems
and had got nowhere and I gave up.
It was from that moment on where I thought, "I've failed again in my life."
"All the things that I've tried to do, I've failed."
I did become far too insular, far too introspective
and I caved in upon myself.
In the morning I did things as normal because I didn't want anyone worrying.
I had breakfast as normal, left a note on the pillow,
took the bus to Rottingdean, had three or four pints,
walked back along the cliff, sat on a bench, drank a bottle of wine,
thought about my life, watched a most spectacular sunset,
because it was a beautiful day,
and at dusk I climbed over the fence, had a miniature of whisky,
my last cigarette and... dived.
I wasn't supposed to survive. Everything was shattered.
I woke up in hospital two and a half months later and thought,
"I'm so useless. I can't even kill myself properly. That is failure."
That period in hospital and the rehabbing at my parents'
are without doubt the worst period of my whole life.
Suicide causes devastation.
Bewilderment and guilt is what you leave behind as a suicide,
and that's a terrible legacy,
it is the biggest mistake you will ever make,
and suicide being what it is, it's a mistake you only get to make once.
The first thing to do is realise that suicide is not an option.
It will be a huge mistake.
The second thing to do is talk.
If you've got friends to talk to, that's terrific,
but if not there are places you can walk into and say, "Help me," and they will.
They want to be bothered, that's what they're there for.
I didn't feel that I was in any way important enough
to bother and burden people with my problems, so I didn't tell anybody.
I promised everybody that I'd never be that stupid again,
and that was the starting point.
As soon as suicide was no longer an option,
because I'd hurt too many people,
I had no choice, I had to just carry on and do each day.
And that's what I've been doing since and it's gone ever so well.
