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Losing your partner or child in pregnancy

The death of someone you love can turn your world upside down, and is one of the most stressful and difficult things you can go through.

If you've just had a baby, you may find it even harder to cope. Spending time with friends and family can help.

A sympathetic arm around the shoulders can express love and support when words aren't enough.

Grief is not just one feeling, but a whole mixture of feelings. It takes time to deal with, and the process can't be hurried.

If you need help or advice, contact your GP. They can also give you details of support groups in your area.

When a child dies

The death of a child is a loss like no other. When a child dies before their parents, it feels so wrong that great shock is added to the enormous grief and sadness you'll already be feeling.

You may also feel anger, bewilderment and even guilt. All these feelings are important and shouldn't be set aside quickly or hidden away.

You need to let yourself grieve in your own way. If you need to cry, do. It may be the only way you can let your feelings out.

If you feel angry, as many parents do, or blame yourself or others, it's important to talk about it.

Ask hospital staff, your GP, midwife or health visitor the questions you want to ask.

The reasons for a baby's death are often never known, even after a post-mortem. But you'll probably feel you need to find out all you can.

Remembering your child

It may help you to think of ways to remember your child. If you don't already have photographs, you may want to have a photograph of your baby or child taken, and perhaps one of you with them. Talk to the hospital about this.

Consider the service or ceremony you may want to have and any mementos you may want to keep. Do what feels right for you.

Bereaved siblings

If you have other children, explain to them what's happened as simply and honestly as you can.

They need to understand why you're sad. They'll have their own feelings to cope with.

Sometimes older children worry the death is linked to something they've done. They may be very quiet or behave very badly for a while.

It's not always easy to give them the love and reassurance they need when you're grieving yourself. It can help to get support from others close to your child.

Talk about your grief

Be realistic. Grieving takes a long time, and there will be many ups and downs.

Talking may not come easily to you, but it can help, even if it's been a while since your child died.

The more you and your partner talk to each other, the more it'll help you both.

A father's experience of a child's death can be different from a mother's. Although you'll share a lot, your feelings and moods won't be the same all the time.

Try to listen to each other so you can support each other as much as possible. Although you may be reacting in different ways, you've both lost a child.

Sometimes talking to someone outside the family, such as a close friend, your doctor, health visitor, hospital staff or a religious leader, can be helpful.

It can be difficult at first to cope with the outside world and other people. You may find even people who are close to you don't know what to say, say the wrong thing, or avoid you.

Take the support that's offered and do what feels right for you.

These organisations can offer support and advice, and put you in touch with other parents who've had a similar experience:

  • Sands: The stillbirth and neonatal death charity is run by and for parents whose baby has died, either at birth or shortly afterwards.
  • The Lullaby Trust supports parents bereaved by cot death (also called sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS).
  • The Compassionate Friends is run by and for all bereaved parents.
  • Cruse Bereavement Care provides support, information, advice, education and training to help anyone who's been bereaved to understand their grief and cope with their loss. 
  • Winston's Wish supports children and families after a parent, brother or sister has died.
  • Child Bereavement UK provides specialised support, information and training for everyone affected when a baby or child dies, or when a child is bereaved. It also runs an online forum for bereaved parents.
  • The Child Death Helpline is a freephone service for all those affected by the death of a child, operated by volunteers who are all bereaved parents.

If your partner dies

Losing your partner, particularly during pregnancy or soon after childbirth, is devastating.

You may feel numb and think you'll never get over what's happened. That may be true, but you'll eventually learn to live with it.

Don't be afraid to rely on family and friends for help and support, for yourself and your baby. You may need urgent financial advice and support. 

Find out more about financial help for the bereaved on GOV.UK.

Further information

Page last reviewed: 12 November 2021
Next review due: 12 November 2024