If you are a parent of a child with a disfigurement, knowing how to handle tricky social situations with confidence will benefit both you and your child.
You may be anxious about your child’s future, for example starting school, and worry about their health and options for medical treatment. These concerns are common, yet they can be overwhelming.
It's important to learn about your child’s condition. Talk to their consultant and don’t be afraid to ask as many questions as you need to. Being better informed about your child’s condition will help you learn how to cope with it.
There are also easy-to-learn and practical skills to help parents overcome some of the common challenges and uncertainties they may face. Your child will learn from watching you deal with challenging situations.
Preparation
Consider the best way to describe your child’s appearance. That way you'll be ready when strangers ask unexpected questions. Provide a brief explanation, reassure the person asking the question that your child is fine and move them on to another subject.
“That way you explain, reassure and then distract the person,” says Helen Smith of disfigurement charity Changing Faces.
To a question like, “Why is her face like that?” a parent can say, “Sarah’s lip was broken and the doctors have fixed it. We’re off to the park. Where are you going?”
Your child will feel more confident if they see you respond to other people's questions confidently.
“Children learn by watching other people,” says Smith. “If they see their parents positively manage other people’s reactions, they will learn to do it themselves. They will also have a language to use.”
Stares and comments
“If someone is staring, it can be helpful to make eye contact and to smile,” says Smith. “Often that can be enough to break someone’s stare.
"You can then choose to continue to do what you were doing or start a conversation. Sometimes parents see this as a positive way to help people move beyond their focus on their child’s disfigurement and learn more about their child.”
You don’t have to listen to comments that are offensive and if you feel like saying something, you can. Short responses are usually best. Try to keep calm even if you don’t feel it.
Here are some ideas:
- "Please don't stare, my child has a scar on his face."
- "My daughter has a birthmark. You can't catch it."
- "Please don't stare. It makes us very uncomfortable."
Talk to your child and try to move your thoughts away from the person or people commenting or staring.
'Why do I look different?'
Children start becoming curious about their appearance from an early age.
Use simple language that is appropriate for their age and experiment with drawings, stories and games to explain things. As they get older, tell them in more detail about their condition.
“Be open and honest with your child,” says Smith.
“Having something to say and knowing a bit about their condition will help them cope with their disfigurement and with other people’s reactions to it.”
Listen to what they say and help them understand their condition. Encourage them to ask questions.
Helping children socially
Preparation will help your child deal with the questions, comments or bullying they may encounter at school.
“Preparation starts at home,” says Smith. “Start with simple activities such as drawing, playing, reading stories and pointing out differences and similarities between people.
“Talk openly to them about diversity and use words that are non-judgemental. Always make it clear that their disfigurement is one small element of who they are.”
By seeing how you respond to people’s curiosity, they'll learn that questions can be dealt with calmly and that their disfigurement is not a forbidden subject.
With your help, they'll be able to work out the responses they feel most comfortable with depending on the situation.
Helping children develop their social skills will mean they find it easier to meet new people. Skills include saying hello, smiling, listening to people and being interested in others.
