Is your partner treating you properly?

If you’re in a relationship and you feel unhappy about or frightened by the way your partner treats you, you don’t have to put up with it.

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It can be hard to know what’s ‘normal’ in a relationship. It can take time to get to know each other and discover what works for you both. But there is one thing that’s for sure: abusive or violent behaviour is not acceptable, and if it’s happening to you it’s OK to ask for help and advice.

Abuse can happen to anyone of any age, culture or religion. It can happen to boys or girls, but it’s much more likely to happen to girls.

For more information on what abuse is and how to get help, read This is abuse

Tink Palmer, a social worker who works with people who have been abused, says: “No one should have to put up with violence in any form. If it’s happening to you, talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, a trusted adult or a friend. Don’t hold it in, talk to someone.”

What is abuse?

Abuse can involve physical violence such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping or pressuring you into sex. There are other forms of abuse too. Emotional and verbal abuse can involve your boyfriend or girlfriend:

  • saying things that make you feel small, whether you’re alone or in front of other people,
  • pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do, including sexual things,
  • checking up on you all the time to find out where you are and who you’re with, for example texting or calling you a lot if you’re out with your friends, or
  • threatening to hurt you or someone close to you, including pets.

As well as happening when you're together, emotional and verbal abuse can happen on the phone or on the internet.

Behaviour like this is not about love. It’s about someone controlling you and making you behave how they want. People who abuse a partner verbally or emotionally may turn to violence later on in the relationship. This kind of controlling behaviour is a big warning sign.

Behaviour like this is not OK, even if some people tell you it is. Violence and abuse in relationships is not normal, it is not ‘just the way things are’ or ‘messing around’. It’s a serious issue.

Being hurt emotionally and physically can harm your self-esteem and make you feel anxious, depressed or ill. Girls who are abused can also develop eating disorders, problems with alcohol and drugs, and be at risk of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy from sexual abuse.

Getting help

If you are in a controlling or abusive relationship and you want help, don’t be scared to talk to someone about it. Remember it’s not your fault, no matter what anyone says, and it is far better to talk about it with someone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been drinking or what you’ve been wearing. There is no excuse.

It can be difficult to find the right words to ask for help. Try asking someone whether you can talk to them about something. Tell them you need some help or that something is happening and you don't know what to do. 

There are several people you might talk to, such as:

  • an adult mentor or a favourite teacher at school,
  • your mum, dad or another trusted adult, perhaps a friend’s mum,
  • an adviser on a helpline such as Childline (0800 11 11),
  • a GP or nurse, or
  • a friend.

And remember, try again if you don’t get the response that you think you need. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

If you’re worried about a friend

If you think a friend might be experiencing abuse, talk to her (your friend might be male, but it is most often girls who experience abuse). “Keep calm, and don’t be judgmental or condemning,” says Palmer. “It can be difficult to talk to a friend, but try. If you’re concerned, don't worry that you might be wrong, worry that you might be right.”

Try asking your friend if you can talk about something. Tell her you're worried about her and ask her whether everything is OK. Listen to her, and let her know that nobody has to put up with abuse. If she has been hurt, offer to go to the doctor with her. Have the number of a useful helpline, such as Childline on 0800 11 11, ready to give to her.

Your friend might be angry or upset with you for a while, but she will know that you care, and you might have helped her to realise that she can get help.

If you are abusing someone

If you are abusing your partner or you’re worried that you might, you can call Childline (0800 11 11) or talk to a trusted adult.

“Recognising that your behaviour is wrong is the first step to stopping it. But you may need help to stop,” says Palmer.

Sometimes the things that cause abusive behaviour, such as feelings about things that happened in the past, can be very powerful. “We can’t always stop things on our own, or straight away,” says Palmer. “We do need help, which is why it’s important to talk to someone."

Page last reviewed: 11/06/2012

Next review due: 11/06/2014

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