Learning how to be confident in social situations and handle people’s reactions is an important skill for anyone with a disfigurement.
Having a set of responses ready to use when people stare at you or ask about your appearance can be helpful.
If you have an unusual appearance, it can be common for people to look at you when perhaps all you want is to be anonymous and blend in.
“The individual can feel as if they’re on display or on show. Other people’s stares or questions can feel intrusive,” says Helen Smith of the disfigurement charity Changing Faces. "That can be hard to deal with."
It’s understandable that you may want to avoid situations that make you feel anxious. But if you do this all the time, you will limit your freedom and lifestyle.
By not facing challenging situations, you will only increase your anxiety about them because your fears can never be disproved. This will undermine your confidence further.
“It’s important to learn effective skills to help you feel more confident and self-assured in social situations of all kinds and handle other people’s reactions to your disfigurement," says Smith.
“There are strategies you can use to appear more confident. The more confident you are, the more positive responses you will get back."
Your body language
Much of our communication is non-verbal. Think about what your body language is saying.
Tips for appearing positive include maintaining eye contact, a firm handshake, remembering people's names, speaking in a confident tone, standing tall and keeping your shoulders down.
Learning some coping skills and practising them could help you feel more confident in social situations.
“It’s important to have a range of ways to respond to questions depending on the situation and your mood. Sometimes you don’t want to have to explain your birthmark for the third time that morning,” says Smith.
Think about previous times when you handled a situation well and times when it would have been better to react differently.
Work out in advance different ways to respond to people. Then, if someone asks you about your disfigurement, you can use the response that seems most suitable at the time.
You might want to think about ways of bringing the subject of your disfigurement into the conversation yourself to put people at their ease or if you notice they are curious. This will give you more control over the situation and can stop the anxiety of waiting for others to raise it.
Staring
Don’t assume that when people ask about your face, they're being hostile. Most are only curious, as you might be yourself.
If someone stares and you want them to stop, look back, smile and hold the other person’s gaze momentarily. They will hopefully smile back at you and then look away.
If the staring persists, look back and hold their gaze while raising your eyebrows to show them that you’ve noticed their staring.
If you decide to say something, you could use a number of different approaches:
- "I would prefer it if you didn't stare at me." (A firm yet straightforward response.)
- "My appearance seems to be bothering you. It doesn’t bother me." (Confident, firm and clearly labelling the person staring as the one with the problem.)
- "Your admiring glances are beginning to embarrass me!" (The confident and humorous approach.)
- "We have clearly met before because you can’t seem to take your eyes off me." (Humorous but making the point that their behaviour is intrusive and inappropriate.)
“It’s probably better to have a quick and effective reply ready rather than something that could start a discussion or even an argument,” says Smith.
Keep practising
“If you’re worried about forgetting your responses, write them down and keep them in your wallet or bag so you can refresh your memory from time to time,” says Smith.
You may find it helpful to think about different ways of answering the same question and either closing the subject or moving the conversation on. For example:
- “I was burned when I was younger. It was a long time ago. I don’t talk about it now.” (This is clear and brief.)
- “I was burned when I was younger, but fortunately smoke alarms have reduced the number of injuries like mine.” (This shows you're confident and at ease talking about it, but encourages a more general discussion rather than purely personal.)
- “I was burned when I was younger and I’m going in for more plastic surgery soon. They're going to take a graft from my leg…” (This shows that you're confident and happy to discuss personal details.)
As you get more comfortable with these responses, you’ll feel increasingly relaxed in social situations and become less self-conscious in public.
"Learning strategies like these is a skill in itself," says Smith. "It takes time and effort before it begins to feel really natural.
"Things don’t always work how you want them to straight away. Take time to find what works for you and what doesn’t."
Talk to friends or family about difficult or challenging times, and listen to their support and advice.
If you keep at it you'll increase your chances of having more positive social experiences and these will in turn enhance your confidence and self-esteem.
