Talking about sex doesn't have to be difficult or embarrassing. If you feel that it is, there are ways to make it easier.
Discussing issues such as contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or what you like and don't like lets you both share your thoughts, expectations and worries. It can help you to make decisions together that suit you both.
The information on this page is for people who are talking to a new partner about sex, and want to know how to discuss their sexual history, contraception and using condoms.
For information on talking about sex and sexual problems with a longer-term partner who you're already having sex with, see Let's talk about sex.
When to talk about sex
Don't wait until you're already having sex. You might make hasty decisions or take risks you wouldn't normally take.
Talking about contraception and condoms in advance lets you know your options in order to make a considered decision.
Choose a time and place where you can talk openly without being disturbed by phones or other people.
How to say it
Some simple ways of bringing up the subject of sex and safer sex include saying:
- "How do you feel about sex?"
- "Would you want to have sex with me?"
- "I'd like to have sex with you, do you feel ready?"
- "We should talk about safer sex if we're going to have sex."
- "We could go to a clinic and find out about contraception together."
- "Do you like a particular type of condom or dam? We'll need to get some." (A dam is a thin, soft square of latex that covers a woman's genitals and acts as a barrier against sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, during oral sex).
It's important to discuss safer sex whoever you're having sex with. Infections can pass between two women and two men as well as between men and women. For more on safer sex for same-sex partners, see sexual health for women who have sex with women and men who have sex with men.
Mentioning contraception
If you want to avoid pregnancy, then finding out about the different methods of contraception together can be a good way to discuss sex.
There are 15 methods of contraception, including contraceptive implants, contraceptive injections, IUD, IUS, a vaginal ring, patch, pills, condoms and diaphragms. You can look at contraception information leaflets together, available from contraceptive clinics, some GP surgeries or online from FPA.
You could visit a contraceptive clinic together. Staff there will be happy to discuss your options with you, and can help you to choose the method that's right for you.
Talking about sexual history
Find out about your partner's sexual history. For example, find out whether they have any STIs that might put you at risk. You could say:
- "Before we have sex, there's something I need to ask you: have you ever been checked for STIs? Have you got any STIs that you know about?"
Or you might need to tell your partner something. You could say:
- "Before we have sex there's something I need to tell you," or
- "Can we talk about something before we have sex?"
A doctor or nurse at your community contraceptive clinic, sexual health clinic or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic will be able to discuss safer sex with you, including condom use. Find sexual health services near you, including contraceptive clinics.
This is particularly important if you or your partner have an infection and need to prevent it spreading. If you have an infection or condition, having leaflets about it could help you to talk about it together.
You only have to have sex without a condom once to catch an STI that could affect you for life.
A one-night stand
If you think you might have sex with someone you've just met, carry condoms with you. Make sure that you use them if you have sex.
Bring up the subject of using them before you're actually having sex. Don't wait until there's contact between your genitals and your partner's genitals. This is too late. Put on the condom before there's any genital contact and before using sex toys.
Think in advance about when you could mention using a condom. In your mind, establish a line that you won't cross until you bring up the subject. For example, you could think to yourself "my zip can't be undone if I haven't talked about using a condom".
For more tips on talking about and using condoms, watch the condom negotiation video on this page, and see condom tips and condom excuses.
