Coping as a couple

As unemployment rises, more and more people are having to deal with difficulties caused by being out of work.

Loss of income is the most obvious difficulty, but being without a job can also affect your self-esteem and self-confidence. It's also not just those who've lost their jobs who are affected.

Many people are worried about the future, about whether they or their partner will lose their job or about how their life will be affected by the changing economic climate. 

Not surprisingly, these concerns and problems can affect relationships. For some couples, existing problems are made worse because of the additional pressure they're feeling.

For others, coping with a new situation can lead to tension. Changes in your situation might include a drop in household income, a reduction in working hours or one partner having to go to work because the other has had their hours cut.

Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor at Relate, says that financial difficulties can make people blame each other for their situation.

She says, "A wife may tell her husband he has no right to go out drinking with his mates if it means their child has to go without a new pair of shoes."

For some couples, having less money means that they can no longer deal with problems the way they used to.

"It may be that in the past they bought their way out of a problem with a holiday or a present. If that money's not available, they have to develop new ways of coping," says Denise.
 
Any stressful situation can also have an impact on your sex life. "A lot of people avoid intimacy when they feel under pressure," says Denise.

There are many things you can do to improve your relationship and places you can go to for help and support.

Get financial advice
Deal with the practical side first. Talk to your mortgage lender and bank if you're concerned about meeting payments or going over your overdraft limit. Get advice on paying off your debts, find out what benefits you may be entitled to and work out a plan to search for jobs.

"People who've never been in this situation before may feel embarrassed," says Denise. "Don’t be. The people who work as advisers are there to help. If you don't want to talk about your problems in person, use telephone helplines and look at the information that's available on the internet."

There are many organisations that can help. The Citizens Advice Bureau website has information on benefits, how to deal with debt, what you’re entitled to if you’re made redundant and who to turn to if you lose your home.

Other useful organisations offering advice on debt include:

• Mind, which has a section on its website called All about debt.
• National Debtline (phone 0808 808 4000).
• Consumer Credit Counselling Service (phone 0800 138 1111).

See External links to visit the websites of these organisations.

Be open with each other
Talk to your partner about your worries. Excluding them can cause resentment. Discuss the issues and try to work out a way you can deal with them together. For example, you may need to see a financial adviser together or agree on a budget for your weekly spending.

It’s also useful to talk to friends. "Men are more likely to keep problems to themselves and become isolated," says Denise.

"Women are more likely to unburden themselves to girlfriends. Although talking to friends won’t fix the problem, it will help you feel a bit better because you’re not bottling it all up."

Talk about your losses
Discuss how losing your job or having less money is affecting you as individuals and as a couple. Look at where you spent money on having fun together and think of ways you can do things together without spending money, such as going for a walk or cooking a nice meal at home.

Appreciate the little things
Think about small gestures you can make, such as running a bath for your partner or making them a cup of tea. These little things can help you feel closer.

Keep kissing
Any stressful situation can affect your sex life. "Low self-esteem can be an issue as well," says Denise. "Sometimes people who are made redundant feel their performance has been criticised, and this can cause problems."

"Don’t stop cuddling, stroking each other and kissing each other. You can still maintain an intimate and sensual relationship," says Denise.

If you don’t feel you can work things out on your own, there are people who can help and support you. Talking to a professional therapist could help and your GP can advise you on talking therapy services in your area.

To see what's available where you live, go to Services near you on the right-hand side of this page.

For more information about Relate’s relationship counselling services, see External links.

NHS Stressline
Call 0300 123 2000 for advice and support (Monday-Sunday, 8am-10pm).

You can discuss the issues that are affecting you and your family and get expert advice on how to help yourself if you're in a difficult situation.

Health advisers will listen, offer practical advice, guide you to useful online resources and put you in touch with other people who can help such as debt, housing, employment, counselling and talking therapy services.