If you're caring for someone who has a diagnosed terminal illness or is near the end of their life, you might find it hard and painful to talk to them about their death. But it's worthwhile for a number of reasons.
Talking openly with the person you care for about their death may help you to cope with the pressures of caring. It could also make both of you less frightened about the future. You may be comforted by remembering good times that you've had together. Some carers find that knowing that they've talked honestly and openly with their loved one helps them to cope when that person dies.
Practicalities
There are practical reasons why you might need to talk to the person you care for about the end of their life. For example, you might need to know what kind of funeral they would like. You might want to know their wishes about future medical care while they're still able to tell you. There are also legal and financial considerations. For example, if the person you're looking after has not made a will.
The thought of starting a conversation about the death of the person you care for might seem very difficult. If you can, choose a quiet, private place that's comfortable and has no distractions.
You could introduce the subject by saying: "Maybe it would help if we talked about how we feel and what might happen in the future? Would that be OK with you?"
If they don’t want to talk, then don’t be persistent. They may not be ready to talk at that time, or they might be in denial about the situation. However, you may find that the person you care for wants to talk. They might have been wary of raising the subject before because they thought you might become upset or uncomfortable.
While talking, resist the temptation to reassure the person who is dying, such as telling them that everything will be fine. Instead, you could ask them if they're worried about anything, and offer your support. Asking them how they feel and whether they want to discuss anything will help them feel that you're listening to their concerns.
Give them time to say what they want to say, and try not to change the subject, even if you become upset.
Listen to their concerns, and acknowledge that they have the right to make their own choices about the end of their life, even if you don’t agree with them.
Overcoming denial
Confronting terminal illness can be very difficult for everyone involved. It's normal to have feelings of denial, but it makes it hard to discuss the future.
If the person you look after doesn’t want to talk openly to you about dying, you could try talking generally, without explicitly referring to them being near the end of their life. For example, you could talk about planning to make a will, or about happy times that you remember. This way it might be possible to share your feelings and organise some of the practicalities.
The person you care for may find it easier to talk to professionals than to their family or friends. This could be a doctor, nurse or social worker. Palliative care nurses are trained in counselling, and hospital chaplains can offer spiritual support. If you're concerned about the person you look after, you could talk to a health professional on their behalf.
The person you're looking after could express their wishes in writing. They may find this easier than talking to friends or family.
Your own feelings
If you're in denial, it might be very difficult to consider talking about the death of the person you look after. If they want to talk, but you can't cope with a conversation about the future at that particular moment, it’s OK to tell them so, but try to stay open to the idea. If you can, give them a later date when you might be more able to talk about it.
It’s important that you feel able to express your feelings, whatever they may be, and get the support that you need. You can find more information about emotional support in Support with end of life care.
